Never in my wildest dreams
did I ever think
you would be my reason to get hurt
then again, I never pictured myself, coming to like you so much
I made you a part of my portrait, that I painted with fondest wishes and rosy dreams 
I let you seep into every frame of my life
Thinking you would welcome me into yours, like how the sea welcomes a solivagant stream
I dreamed too far ahead, perhaps, too soon
Taking myself to a make-believe land, where you were always beside me
as tides came and ebbed with many moons
Alas! it was all me, weaving hopeless fantasies 
You never wanted to come
as I waited, and waited
For you to realize what you are letting go...and then some
I tried in vain, dreamer that I am, to not let my dreams die
Knowing we could be oh so happy, if only you liked me enough to try
Even when requited, I guess years of longing fell terribly short
Perhaps for you it was a passing fancy, that outlived its stay
Making you feel out of sorts
Anger, sadness, heartbreak I felt, worth a lifetime
That I alone could see past the hurdles, refuted my reason and rhyme
And I sank into the depths of despair, feeling unwanted most of all
Somewhere hoping that you would reach out, as we live apart the distance of a mere phone call
With a heavy heart I watched my hopes dim day by day, and then finally buried them as they died
You wouldn't ever know how those tears taste, the ones that can never be cried
But slowly I will come to accept the truth for what it is
I no longer wish to alter your reality, causing myself heartache as you please
And I guess this too shall pass, perhaps on quite an ordinary day
And I would paint portraits again with different colors and dreams, and learn anew to be brave

abyss gazing at her...

Never to be found again
It was as if she was never there
All that she thought was hers, she has forsaken, hurt beyond a care
The abyss that she thought was her nemesis watches upon her silently
Promising an end to the chaos she is drowning in, a tempting offer to escape the misery
And this time she wants to take that leap, relinquishing her fear
To put an end to this game, for she doesn't want to hold anything dear
Maybe the abyss would understand, would comfort her instead
Life never did so, no matter how much she begged
What's the point of going on? What's the point of trying to stay sane?
When there's no one beside her, but the perpetual reminder of boundless pain
Her smiles are etched with sadness, her laughs have turned hollow
Anyone who cares to take a closer look, would perhaps see an embodiment of sorrow
Whom should she blame? For a tornado came in the guise of spring
Broke her spirit into a million pieces, a fate she could not have foreseen
And now with vacant eyes and a withered form, she sits atop the debris of what is left of her days
Wondering if she should embrace or fight what the abyss seductively says
"Let me wreck you until there is nothing left of you dear girl
Let me swallow you whole, and I promise, you would never need to unfurl
I will make you numb to all that tortures you, and vanquish your earthly desires
I will build you anew and grant you freedom from this life akin to hellfire"
Would she fall? Or would she survive? Is the question that remains
Perhaps she should just abandon life how it abandoned her at every turn, for isn't that road the most humane?

Love is more afraid of change than destruction

Love is more afraid of change than destruction I once believed
It is a right notion I can now firmly say I perceived
Time and again I have committed the folly of laying myself bare to ruin and carnage
Believing I can be happy
That I too can find love in this lifetime, be finally set free from this cage
Forged out of loneliness, yet full of allure to those who watch from outside
For they know not of my hope to be rescued
Seeing only the smiles but not the tears that I oh so well hide
And while silently moping in my invisible cage, after eons I chanced upon a shinning star
I wished upon it to illuminate my murky days
Not knowing it is not here to stay, but to just tease me from afar
I only saw how it brightened up my skies, filling me with hope
Oblivious that darkness was to descend upon me, robbing me of my ability to cope
I found myself reaching for the warmth, believing, that I was no longer alone
Walking along the lit up path towards the end of which my star shone
But the nearer I reached, it appeared to have drifted a bit far
Until I realized it was naught, but a shooting star
It only intended to leave me behind, for that's what shooting stars do
They are illusions of a forever that never come true
And I learned the hard way again, as I cried out in insurmountable pain, that
Cruel are they who make the ones trapped in cages dream
What joy do they get, out of hurting an already miserable being?
And so, I have come to hate the word love, for it never gives in to my open arms
It willingly destroys itself, refusing to morph with me, yet causing unspeakable harm
Why should I choose love? For love never deigns to choose me
Why should I care for anything, if years filled with solitude is how it is meant to be?
It is wise to not get attached to anything, for cutting ties leaves me bloody and broken
Every time, I pick up glass shards for jewels, tearing my palms open
I can't even count the scars that have carved themselves upon my heart
They gush open once I try to heal myself, mocking me as I fall apart
And I counsel myself, that I am never to find, that elusive sense of togetherness that I see all around
For I can't even be with the ones I love, all along chased by time, the ever-hungry hound
I just wish this agony of an existence would be over if all I deserve is a sad end
For I am tired of fighting destiny on every path that I have taken, at every bend.

A vengeful heart, A tortured mind

Sometimes in following our mind we let go of our heart

In order to keep our sanity intact, we declare that it's time, they ought to part

And we persuade ourselves to forget we have this thing that exists to emote

We abandon it, labeling it as nuisance, locking it up somewhere remote

And then we morph into this social butterfly

Breaking away from a chrysalis of despair

The way we think, the things we feel

We master the art of living without a care

We turn into this well oiled machine

That knows how to breathe, when to smile

What to say when the occasion calls, and to even accept others full of guile

In this mechanical, melancholy world, we are but a fragment of what was once a whole

Shattered pieces of a shadow adrift without a soul

Then one ordinary day fate laughs!

It envies our resilience, that we have become strong enough to adapt

And then begins the arduous part

Where we are reminded almost mercilessly that yes, once upon a time, we did possess a heart

Strangely enough desertion did not turn it into stone

It did not unremember how to love or hate, after all this time of being left alone

But what about us?

The mirages that we have become

How are we to bear the onus of a beating heart?

What are we to do with these longlost emotions, with no seemingly plausible outcome?

We have learnt to listen to our brain

We have thrived this far staying one step ahead of pain

And so we are afraid to unlearn

To live in the same space as these sentiments ever present at every turn

Coping becomes paramount, and we try to embrace the new 

Not knowing what else a hollow shell of a being ought to do

But the heart secretly has a vendetta of its own

It curses the mind for having to spend all this time forgotten, forlorn

And thus the mind becomes a prisoner of poignant thoughts again

All the while wondering, who was at fault this time? Who should shoulder the blame?

                              

Hope Fly Again

I want to lose the bitterness, my youth gifted me years ago
Back then I had let it seep into my bones
Oblivious, that I had turned somehow into my own foe
I had shut away all that I could feel in a safe deep within
Guess I didn't want to be hurt anymore...or my tortured self to be seen
Years have passed and the trammels had gained ample strength
When a familiar wind, somewhat nomadic compelled me to look at it in askance

And so I gazed upon Pandora's box willing to set free hope
I realized it's time to break away from this intangible cage and learn anew to cope
Letting go of my inhibitions, second chances are what I seek
Haven't I conversed enough with autumn? Spring should also get its turn to speak
Imprisoned in an iron clad chamber the heart had forgotten how to dream
It cowered in fear afraid to step out, for all was not how it seemed
The courage to embrace something new was just not there
My weary self had had enough, and to myself alone I tried to stay fair
But maybe it's time to be rid of this disquiet that I have lived with, for far too long
Seasons change and so should I.....all the while aspiring to be strong
Who knows what I might reap or what I might have sown
I want to let hope fly again...for it must not die in vain alone

Ink on my Fingertips

My mouth feels lonely
I fill the emptiness with a cigarette
The thin tendrils of intoxicating smoke slowly help me forget..
Every breath taken numbs my mind a bit more
Worries dissolve away momentarily like footprints on a shore
The glowing tobacco pleads for my patience knowing it's​ about to die soon
I callously suck the life out of it while humming a carelessly thought tune
My lips are content for a short while, curving lazily around a smoke feast
In offering myself upto smouldering ashes lies a strange sense of peace 
My world begins to spin and I happen to like the joy ride
I become the proverbial moth, reigned by the urge to go up in flames, with no one to confide
I can now relate to how a desolate life gets caught in a spider's web
Maybe it wants to be ensnared, in the hopes of getting saved
From the onus of a solitary reality
From the overwhelming recurrence of agonizing self pity
Some may call it self destruction, some unsightly cowardice
I call it setting yourself free from all that is amiss..