Never in my wildest dreams
did I ever think
you would be my reason to get hurt
then again, I never pictured myself, coming to like you so much
I made you a part of my portrait, that I painted with fondest wishes and rosy dreams 
I let you seep into every frame of my life
Thinking you would welcome me into yours, like how the sea welcomes a solivagant stream
I dreamed too far ahead, perhaps, too soon
Taking myself to a make-believe land, where you were always beside me
as tides came and ebbed with many moons
Alas! it was all me, weaving hopeless fantasies 
You never wanted to come
as I waited, and waited
For you to realize what you are letting go...and then some
I tried in vain, dreamer that I am, to not let my dreams die
Knowing we could be oh so happy, if only you liked me enough to try
Even when requited, I guess years of longing fell terribly short
Perhaps for you it was a passing fancy, that outlived its stay
Making you feel out of sorts
Anger, sadness, heartbreak I felt, worth a lifetime
That I alone could see past the hurdles, refuted my reason and rhyme
And I sank into the depths of despair, feeling unwanted most of all
Somewhere hoping that you would reach out, as we live apart the distance of a mere phone call
With a heavy heart I watched my hopes dim day by day, and then finally buried them as they died
You wouldn't ever know how those tears taste, the ones that can never be cried
But slowly I will come to accept the truth for what it is
I no longer wish to alter your reality, causing myself heartache as you please
And I guess this too shall pass, perhaps on quite an ordinary day
And I would paint portraits again with different colors and dreams, and learn anew to be brave

abyss gazing at her...

Never to be found again
It was as if she was never there
All that she thought was hers, she has forsaken, hurt beyond a care
The abyss that she thought was her nemesis watches upon her silently
Promising an end to the chaos she is drowning in, a tempting offer to escape the misery
And this time she wants to take that leap, relinquishing her fear
To put an end to this game, for she doesn't want to hold anything dear
Maybe the abyss would understand, would comfort her instead
Life never did so, no matter how much she begged
What's the point of going on? What's the point of trying to stay sane?
When there's no one beside her, but the perpetual reminder of boundless pain
Her smiles are etched with sadness, her laughs have turned hollow
Anyone who cares to take a closer look, would perhaps see an embodiment of sorrow
Whom should she blame? For a tornado came in the guise of spring
Broke her spirit into a million pieces, a fate she could not have foreseen
And now with vacant eyes and a withered form, she sits atop the debris of what is left of her days
Wondering if she should embrace or fight what the abyss seductively says
"Let me wreck you until there is nothing left of you dear girl
Let me swallow you whole, and I promise, you would never need to unfurl
I will make you numb to all that tortures you, and vanquish your earthly desires
I will build you anew and grant you freedom from this life akin to hellfire"
Would she fall? Or would she survive? Is the question that remains
Perhaps she should just abandon life how it abandoned her at every turn, for isn't that road the most humane?

Love is more afraid of change than destruction

Love is more afraid of change than destruction I once believed
It is a right notion I can now firmly say I perceived
Time and again I have committed the folly of laying myself bare to ruin and carnage
Believing I can be happy
That I too can find love in this lifetime, be finally set free from this cage
Forged out of loneliness, yet full of allure to those who watch from outside
For they know not of my hope to be rescued
Seeing only the smiles but not the tears that I oh so well hide
And while silently moping in my invisible cage, after eons I chanced upon a shinning star
I wished upon it to illuminate my murky days
Not knowing it is not here to stay, but to just tease me from afar
I only saw how it brightened up my skies, filling me with hope
Oblivious that darkness was to descend upon me, robbing me of my ability to cope
I found myself reaching for the warmth, believing, that I was no longer alone
Walking along the lit up path towards the end of which my star shone
But the nearer I reached, it appeared to have drifted a bit far
Until I realized it was naught, but a shooting star
It only intended to leave me behind, for that's what shooting stars do
They are illusions of a forever that never come true
And I learned the hard way again, as I cried out in insurmountable pain, that
Cruel are they who make the ones trapped in cages dream
What joy do they get, out of hurting an already miserable being?
And so, I have come to hate the word love, for it never gives in to my open arms
It willingly destroys itself, refusing to morph with me, yet causing unspeakable harm
Why should I choose love? For love never deigns to choose me
Why should I care for anything, if years filled with solitude is how it is meant to be?
It is wise to not get attached to anything, for cutting ties leaves me bloody and broken
Every time, I pick up glass shards for jewels, tearing my palms open
I can't even count the scars that have carved themselves upon my heart
They gush open once I try to heal myself, mocking me as I fall apart
And I counsel myself, that I am never to find, that elusive sense of togetherness that I see all around
For I can't even be with the ones I love, all along chased by time, the ever-hungry hound
I just wish this agony of an existence would be over if all I deserve is a sad end
For I am tired of fighting destiny on every path that I have taken, at every bend.

A vengeful heart, A tortured mind

Sometimes in following our mind we let go of our heart

In order to keep our sanity intact, we declare that it's time, they ought to part

And we persuade ourselves to forget we have this thing that exists to emote

We abandon it, labeling it as nuisance, locking it up somewhere remote

And then we morph into this social butterfly

Breaking away from a chrysalis of despair

The way we think, the things we feel

We master the art of living without a care

We turn into this well oiled machine

That knows how to breathe, when to smile

What to say when the occasion calls, and to even accept others full of guile

In this mechanical, melancholy world, we are but a fragment of what was once a whole

Shattered pieces of a shadow adrift without a soul

Then one ordinary day fate laughs!

It envies our resilience, that we have become strong enough to adapt

And then begins the arduous part

Where we are reminded almost mercilessly that yes, once upon a time, we did possess a heart

Strangely enough desertion did not turn it into stone

It did not unremember how to love or hate, after all this time of being left alone

But what about us?

The mirages that we have become

How are we to bear the onus of a beating heart?

What are we to do with these longlost emotions, with no seemingly plausible outcome?

We have learnt to listen to our brain

We have thrived this far staying one step ahead of pain

And so we are afraid to unlearn

To live in the same space as these sentiments ever present at every turn

Coping becomes paramount, and we try to embrace the new 

Not knowing what else a hollow shell of a being ought to do

But the heart secretly has a vendetta of its own

It curses the mind for having to spend all this time forgotten, forlorn

And thus the mind becomes a prisoner of poignant thoughts again

All the while wondering, who was at fault this time? Who should shoulder the blame?

                              

Hope Fly Again

I want to lose the bitterness, my youth gifted me years ago
Back then I had let it seep into my bones
Oblivious, that I had turned somehow into my own foe
I had shut away all that I could feel in a safe deep within
Guess I didn't want to be hurt anymore...or my tortured self to be seen
Years have passed and the trammels had gained ample strength
When a familiar wind, somewhat nomadic compelled me to look at it in askance

And so I gazed upon Pandora's box willing to set free hope
I realized it's time to break away from this intangible cage and learn anew to cope
Letting go of my inhibitions, second chances are what I seek
Haven't I conversed enough with autumn? Spring should also get its turn to speak
Imprisoned in an iron clad chamber the heart had forgotten how to dream
It cowered in fear afraid to step out, for all was not how it seemed
The courage to embrace something new was just not there
My weary self had had enough, and to myself alone I tried to stay fair
But maybe it's time to be rid of this disquiet that I have lived with, for far too long
Seasons change and so should I.....all the while aspiring to be strong
Who knows what I might reap or what I might have sown
I want to let hope fly again...for it must not die in vain alone

Ink on my Fingertips

My mouth feels lonely
I fill the emptiness with a cigarette
The thin tendrils of intoxicating smoke slowly help me forget..
Every breath taken numbs my mind a bit more
Worries dissolve away momentarily like footprints on a shore
The glowing tobacco pleads for my patience knowing it's​ about to die soon
I callously suck the life out of it while humming a carelessly thought tune
My lips are content for a short while, curving lazily around a smoke feast
In offering myself upto smouldering ashes lies a strange sense of peace 
My world begins to spin and I happen to like the joy ride
I become the proverbial moth, reigned by the urge to go up in flames, with no one to confide
I can now relate to how a desolate life gets caught in a spider's web
Maybe it wants to be ensnared, in the hopes of getting saved
From the onus of a solitary reality
From the overwhelming recurrence of agonizing self pity
Some may call it self destruction, some unsightly cowardice
I call it setting yourself free from all that is amiss..

Kite in the sky

A solitary kite flying in a rain laden sky

The sullen clouds look down upon it with water filled bellies about to pour..
Hey there you giddy kite! What makes you dance in delight?
Are you a clown?
The wind!! Says the kite in a joyful voice. I am free! Don't you see?
You fool! The clouds bellow...tied to a string in the hands of man dare you say free? You can't!
Free are we! Who fly to distant lands and help conjure a rainbow
You silly kite lost in a puny breeze there is no chance for you to grow!
The kite replies with a swing in its tail

 

 

Your rainbows are pretty indeed
Flying to arid lands with rain...to millions you do good deed
But I am loved by a little boy whose eyes shine as I soar high
The smile I bring forth as I swoon above is worth my restraining tie
For without this bond I will drift afar..lost without a home
The little boy who cherishes me will cry if I am gone
I am free to fly in this vast sky, I am not just a mere plaything
I can induce a sense of thrill into whosoever is distantly watching
Dare I say I grow every time a man passes me down to his dear daughter or son
I bask in their giggles as they release me in the sky, time and again, feeling young
The grave dark clouds were amazed to hear such remarkable words from a playful little kite
Now they watch in wonder spilling words of encouragement, whenever it's time for its next flight
There's a kite within every being who wants to live on
Wishing to sail across blue skies with a home to finally come back to...a place where they belong...

Twilight

I gazed upon a twilight stricken sky and watched as a stealthy night slowly glugged away the ecru streaks

An event so shortlived..that no one would remember of to speak

Yet a lasting impression it leaves

A craving for such caramel coloured evenings deep within it weaves

The desire to witness such poignant beauty time and again

A sense of loss without experiencing pain

My line of vision darkens as the night gets shrouded in stars

And I lose the sensation of drowning in liquid flames

That caress my being and soothes my soul

I want to be a part of the golden brown glow a little longer

For just a while I want to indulge in this momentary happiness, feel content, feel whole

Even as a sneaky dusk steals away this warm cloak in exchange for some twinkling orbs

I don't lose hope

I know a twilight is just around a corner, on maybe another not so eventful day

Until then I would wait to feel the chilly warmth of  a camel dyed sunset, with a heart that has yet to be led astray..

Limbo

There is something amiss
I know not what
The earth keeps spinning as it should
But my mind with a standstill is fraught
I keep staring at the velvety night sky
Dotted with stars
But their lights don't reach the darkness I am trapped within
An incessant limbo with no apparent escape
I wish for a hand to pull me out from this slump
Will anyone lend me one?
The air around me feels laden with embers of all that is not meant to be
Sucking the breath out of my lungs
I see my tomorrows giving way to fluttering ashes
Paralyzed by a helpless feeling, I wish for my present to go up in flames
Maybe then there would be peace
Freedom from the unsettling uncertainty as to where life is headed
Anticipation kills..of a morrow that might not have a morning sun
Of a day where things are no longer fun
I don't want to lie in wait for such a dawn
Oh merciless time release me from the part of playing a pawn

Give me some hues..

Colours...won't you put some on me?

It has been ages since I have been dyed out of incessant monotony

Everyday is a black and white montage
No hues to be seen
Life! Off late haven't you been pretty mean?
Give me some rainbows for what will I do with sunshine alone?
Over eons of solitude haven't I enough grown?
I don't demand rose-tinted glasses to see the world through
But it is time life! Gift me something new
Something warm..that would cure the cockles of my frigid heart
Turn my empty canvas into a wonderful piece of art!

Windmills..

Some lazy windmills twirling against an azure sky
Makes me wanna step out of the car and take a hike
Across a few hillocks covered in golden grass
Where the earth appears to be wrapped in brass
The firmament above is like a glass stained with blue
Brilliant and bright it chases away all my rues
My mind ambles forth beneath the warm sunshine
I say to myself...life is fine
For I feel the wind across my cheeks that has brushed past the mills a while ago..
Lending me some of their laziness while I am on the go
And I am free as I can be..distant from the car honks in a burnt grass valley
Walking to a place unknown...the white streaks of clouds like beacons in my path...
I realize I have been shown
That a barren land is indeed a thing of beauty if you have the sight
You can either sway the wind being a windmill or be swayed by it like a kite!

And someday when the sun won't burn so bright and the stars won't shed any light
I will be free from all that saddens me...
Perhaps then i will not constantly drown in all that i feel
And would treat all that surrounds me like a movie reel
Intended to play out its part
And not let my insides tear apart
It is not a nice thing i tell you
To be in touch with fire and rain
I get burnt a thousand times and deluged again and again
I still fail to leave it all be
Nevertheless seeking that elusive freedom from this meaningless purgatory..

Is it me who has changed?

Or do u feel so..since to your whims i no longer bend

What am i to u? Wat u r to me?

The definition changes as time ticks away and we choose to believe only what we see

Promises made once no longer hold true

The golden colors that once filled every shared moment have turned to an arid ecru

N i am left wondering

Why is it me who bears the onus of carrying the carcass of all that we were?

Here i thought it was a half and half but it seems you are not to be accounted for

I am heartless u say

It is good in a way...i must slowly aspire to be one

It is time..for far too long and far too often i have been the heartful one..

 

 

Affections Squandered

And for a few fleeting moments i was happy as a butterfly

Flying with the next breeze in search of blue skies

But happy times are shortlived and it is not a fair world

You look for simple honesty and at you lies are endlessly hurled

Your wings often get ripped by those you hold dear

Those who shun you are the ones you wanted to be near

Yet again i leave behind a piece of me and head on to what i know not

Corrupt with memories i can barely keep together my forlorn thoughts

I feel less me...one more part lost

Wasted time...wasted hopes...with waste alone my life is fraught

Why this keeps happening i ask myself

And like a rudderless ship i roam looking for answers never to be found

Only prickly questions bleed my mind

My heart silenced long ago refusing to sound

Do i deserve all this i wonder?

I guess yes..for that's what you get if precious affections you mindlessly squander..

 

 

Autumn...

Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go
Amidst a riot of colors we disregard the imminent end..
Soon enough that which is precious and gave us joy lies in wake...forgotten...shed off
And all remains barren for time unknown..
But then for spring to knock and gift a new lease of life
The old has to be forsaken 

So what if the sight of gnarly branches brings forth a sense of melancholy?
They once bore flowers..the essence of good times...of wonder...of love
And when it is time again...tiny green would peep out of brown barks
And set the forest on a fresh new fire of beauty untold yet witnessed over millennia..
But first...let us live the autumn...for it is not spring yet...

life is 'what' you see

Blue skies and flower laden trees..life is 'what' you see
To forget the old bittersweet ones you gotta make new memories
Sight of a movie theater...a bowl of icecream..
Anything can make you walk down the memory lane
Only what once filled you with joy now sadly inflicts pain
You still feel the echos of the happy times
And helplessly remember those who are lost
Want them back to feel the joy again but dear heart at what cost?
You loved..and you loved alone...your folly is only that
You wanted to be offered the whole ocean but a drop is all that they had
Lessons learnt...bridges burnt...but still unfeeling is what you fail to be
Cottony white clouds and azure skies...somehow life still manages to make you see..